Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder are separate and unrelated disorders that result from the habits formed by a small child with a particular inborn temperament trying to adapt to a parenting style that was a poor fit for his or her needs. BPD and NPD can be viewed as two different types of adaption to a childhood situation.
Although these two adaptations have some things in common, they are distinctly different responses. Their main similarities result from sharing the issues that all people with personality disorders experience, but each personality disorder expresses these common difficulties in a somewhat different way. Below is a brief introduction to some of these similarities and differences.
What do BPD and NPD have in common?
Both lack whole object relations (WOR) and object constancy (OC).
This means that people with BPD and NPD cannot form an integrated, realistic, and stable sense of themselves and other people. The person with one of these two disorders can only shift back and forth between seeing themselves and other people as either all-good or all-bad.
The Split Object Relations Part Unit
When they are with other people, a split 3–part unit is formed that only shows one side. This is called a “split object relations part unit” because it will either be composed of all the good feelings or all the bad ones.
Part 1—How the person with the PD feels and acts.
Part 2—How the other person involved reacts.
Part 3—The emotional atmosphere between them.
This way of looking at personality disorders is from the theoretical orientation called “Object Relations” theory. Otto Kernberg’s and James F. Masterson’s work on personality disorders developed this perspective and both have written many books on this topic.
This viewpoint has the benefit of illuminating the reasons behind the often counterproductive behavior that is seen in people with these disorders. Once you understand the limitations a lack of whole object relations and a lack of object constancy impose on intimate relationships, it is easier to understand that a lot of the fighting in the relationship is due to the person with a PD's inability to stay connected to someone when they see the other person’s flaws. There is no place for flaws in their all-good state, and there is no place for what was previously loved when the person is seen as all-bad.
BPD form of all-good: I am lovable and you love me and we are feeling great right now. You are my good mommy or daddy.
BPD form of all-bad: I am ugly and unlovable, you are rejecting and abandoning me. We dislike each other and everything feels all-bad. You are my bad mommy or daddy.
NPD form of all-good: I am perfect, special, and entitled to special treatment and the best of everything. You are my admiring audience who mirrors back to me my perfection. I feel great when I am in this state.
NPD form of all-bad: I am worthless, defective garbage. I am entitled to nothing. You are attacking and humiliating me. I feel deep shame about my flaws when I am in the all-bad state.
They both lose object constancy (OC) during a fight.
This means that even if 10 minutes ago, they were saying “I love you” and were planning a bright future with you, they cannot access those good feelings when they are in a fight with you. Lack of object constancy makes it easier to abuse the other person because everything good about that person is now out of awareness.
During a fight, you become the all-bad enemy and they can justify behaving very abusively towards you because, if they feel bad inside, someone else must be at fault.
Splitting occurs. When they are feeling good in your presence, they project all good things onto you. When they are feeling badly, they see you as all-bad.
Sometimes the all-good role is projected onto one person and all the split off bad things are projected onto someone else.
Examples of BPD Splitting:
The client needs to see two different mental health professionals, a psychiatrist for medication and a psychologist for psychotherapy. The client may project the all-good role onto one of them and the all-bad role onto the other.
Or when talking about their parents, they may describe one as an all-good Saint and the other as the all-bad monster.
Examples of NPD Splitting: The woman with NPD has two children. She describes one as her “golden child” who is beautiful and perfect. Everything bad is projected onto the other child who becomes the family scapegoat. Sometimes this is a fairly stable situation, but other times the NPD mother may change who is her favorite as her feelings shift.
Or, their new lover is seem as the perfect unicorn who deserves to be idealized, while their perfectly nice ex is devalued as a piece of worthless garbage with no good qualities.
They are both impulsive.
People with BPD and people with NPD tend to get overly caught up in their current emotional state. They lose sight of the big picture and how their current behavior is likely to affect the relationship as a whole.
What are the major differences between BPD and NPD?
Interpersonal Goals
BPD : Find true unconditional love with someone who will be a combination lover/parent figure.
NPD: Gain high status, be acknowledged as special, always being seen as all-knowing and always right.
Interpersonal Fears
BPD: Being abandoned or engulfed by the emotional needs of the other person.
NPD: Public failure that exposes all their flaws and confirms that they are not special and have been faking their way through life.
Punchline: Borderline Personality Disorder cannot turn into Narcissistic Personality Disorder because these are very different diagnoses. They are quite different in what they want from life, what they are seeking from other people, and what they fear. Think of a pear and an apple. They are both fruit, but neither turns into the other as they age.
Elinor Greenbergr. Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.
