Controlling behaviours in relationships

Why controlling behaviours show up in relationships? — (and what they’re really protecting)

Sometimes in a relationship, one partner can come across as very controlling, or organised, or “on top of everything,” while the other feels micromanaged or pushed. Before we talk about changing these patterns, it’s important to understand why they exist.

Often, when someone has a history of being controlled, dismissed, or overpowered, their nervous system learns that the world becomes safer only when they stay in charge. It’s not about wanting power over their partner. It’s about preventing the helplessness they once felt.

In a relationship this can look like:

• wanting to plan or anticipate everything, or

• difficulty delegating or trusting someone else to handle things, or

• becoming anxious when there’s unpredictability, or

• monitoring details or trying to prevent mistakes, or

• stepping in quickly when things feel chaotic

  
  

To the other partner, it can feel like criticism, pressure, or mistrust. But internally, the person who controls is often thinking:“If I don’t stay in control, something bad will happen again.”It’s a fear response, not a character defect.

In couples work, we frame this not as “one partner being controlling,” but as a protection strategy that developed long before this relationship, and that now shows up automatically when vulnerability or uncertainty arises.

What we usually see is a relationship dance:

• One partner manages more, pushes, organises, anticipates

• The other withdraws, avoids conflict, or shuts down

• The more one takes charge, the less the other steps in

• The less they step in, the more the first feels they must control

Neither person is “the problem.”The cycle is the problem.

For the partner who controls, healing looks like:

• recognising when the body is slipping into old survival patterns

• practicing expressing needs without tightening or taking over

• letting their partner contribute at their own pace

• allowing themselves to experience moments of shared responsibility

• discovering that safety can come from connection, not control

  
  

For the other partner, healing looks like:

• understanding that they are not being “parented”—their partner is anxious

• staying present and engaged rather than withdrawing

• communicating clearly about how pressure affects them

• taking responsibility for their part of the relationship dance

  
  

As these shifts happen, what was once a protective pattern becomes an invitation for deeper connection. Control softens into collaboration. Distance softens into engagement. And both partners begin to understand each other not through a lens of blame, but through a lens of compassion and history.